So, It was my fault, I conjured the storm…
I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I’m content with all of my fxck ups and come ups…phew *wipes sweat from forehead*…it’s been a long time coming know this. My biggest challenge to date: accepting fate—accepting all that I have manifested, even if that looks like “zero” aka “nothing” from my earthly perspective.
See, I realize now that wherever I am in life at the present moment is due to my very own actions—nothing more or less. I cannot be mad or frustrated with all that Universe, Source or Provider has bestowed upon me, even if it is unfavorable because I asked for it—somehow, someway, in some shape, form or fashion I requested what I received. Yes, I know this is a hard pill to swallow and often a harsh reality to accept, but just because I dislike or disagree with hail storms does not make them any less real, eh.
Our interpretations of “setbacks” are most often the results of our very own inability to come to terms with the “I ain’t quite there yet’s” and the “I fxcked up’s” of life. Yea, I said it.
“Good grief Charlie Brown”…
I remember graduating college with this overwhelming cloud of misery hovering over my head…it was a very dark cloud—student loan “debt”, credit card “debt” and no concrete vision of what I planned to do with my super expensive college education. Can your spell D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N…
I felt as if I had hit rock bottom in my life; and yet, life for me was just beginning…it was as if the Universe had personally declared me a readymade failure. The reality is I was merely starting to see the results of all the decisions I had and had not made from, oh, we shall say 2005 to 2012 coming out of darkness into the, well, not so marvelous, but oh so marvelous light…*places gun to foot*
Should’ve, Would’ve, Could’ves on Repeat
“Apply! Apply! Apply! for scholarships…” I remember hearing my guidance counselor say to me something like a million times from 9th grade through 12th. “Write! and apply for grants!” all of my English teachers wailed. “Join this club—apply for this contest,” insisted my science teachers and poetry mentors. “Learn to be conservative with your money!” pressed my parents...but I did none of this. And still, despite my lack of prepping, just as I had intended from day one of high school I chose a university that would take me as far as mis padres would allow me to venture away from the cow-roaming foothills of Sappony country.
For college, I was not prepared.
See, I was a first generation college student—which pretty much translates to “uh, I don’t know shat’ta about the higher academic process, except for all that mumbo-jumbo as seen on television.” And needless to say, I came up in the United States public school system which is—eh, well not the most encouraging or beneficial to Native American education…off or on our reservations. So yeah, I was a fish out of water, and all I possessed was my own brain and mind to facilitate the process of seeing myself through to graduation. And so let us toast to fate, because I tumbled, fell and crash-landed on the graduation stage, with an unnecessarily expensive degree in English, concentration—Literature …and of course, no real cares of being a school teacher or a writer… trainwrecks anyone? they’re all free—oh yeah and the three years worth of “frivolous, turn’up on the weekends, did not listen to MaaMa” credit card debt—NOT FREE PEOPLE—NOT!
Late Departures, Early Arrivals
So now, back to those setups…those self-deceptively disguised setbacks. Because I failed to think or act for five years down the road in all of the latter situations, and failed to plan in accord—I ultimately concocted my very own plan to fail—I set myself up for a crash and burn…one I would not see the spoiled fruits of until 7 years after I first began to seed and water them—chaos is always organized…when, where, why and how are simply mutable factors.
Nowadays, I look back and I see only setups. I know I chose to make my bed hard when it came to my undergraduate studies. Thus, as Maa would say I had to lay in it! …but I rise from my slumbers realizing all that I learned and experienced allows me to know and be 100 times more diligent in my life planning process now. Plus, my setups can now serve as warning signs and roadmaps for others traveling along similar paths as I. For instance, seeing, experiencing and actively doing all that I did wrong and right gave me the push to help others who want to earn a higher education, but don’t know shat’ta about the higher academic process. When potential university goers consult me for college do’s and don’ts I can provide them with first-hand experience and the proof-positives and/or negatives. So, I shall conclude with, love your experiences—all of them, look for the setups in all that comes your way, and dismiss all that is unfavorable as good in its own right for your betterment in due time.
Remember no setbacks, setups only!
Know your today is always a reflection of your yesterday!
Until sometime soon…Maiiandestéka ♥