We try to force change upon ourselves and others—but change is natural—and nothing natural can be forced.
I spent a little over a year, maybe even two, fighting myself—or something of the sort. I was in a full-on battle. Literally, I had waged an almost unforgiving, horrendously relentless war against the woman I knew I was becoming—the woman I knew deep-down all of me desired to be. In my spirit rose a resentment toward this woman I had yet to formally meet. Forcibly I was on a mission to postpone her arrival. Some days it felt as if I wanted nothing more than to halt her coming all together. Ironically, I felt that I knew nothing of her. Sadly, as much as I innately desired to see her in all of her highly anticipated grandeur I could not stand feeling her emerging. I loathed watching her from half-shut eyes displacing the me I had grown to find so many comforts within.
Eventually, I realized there was not much I could do to make myself feel happy and fulfilled until I just allowed myself to simply be—to commit, to leap, to freefall, to find a way to catch myself in mid-air—like a cat—and to land on my feet after all of my shifting, my changing. For my sanity’s sake, I had to make way for her arrival. I had to abandon my complacency.
The Losing Game
Self-worth, esteem, and confidence have been a struggle for me since I was young. Feeling like I did not fit in with my peers left me chasing a reality in which I was either doing too much or most often, not enough. Over time, I began to realize I was not alone in trying to shuffle my many pieces into their appropriate places. Like most wandering spirits—I was never broken or truly ever out of place. My focus was off. Trying to be who I thought I wanted to be, and not who came naturally left me exhausting my good energy. The she who came naturally, I had not planned for. Thus, I resented her. She seemed like too much work—too much to cultivate. She was like a garden left untended—overgrown with weeds.
Truth is, however, trying to be who did not come naturally was even more work—and very self-sabotaging. I found myself constantly drowning in a sea self-conjured anxieties. I found myself competing with a host of uncompetitive forces. The latter left me miserable. I lost my cares for all that I was good at while wallowing in that which could never properly serve me.
Focus on You
The journey back to self-worth is different for everyone, but the common theme is forcing ourselves into spaces too small or too big for us to properly fill. My space is my space. The size, shape, and purpose of your space are the same today as they were the day you were born. Imagine spending your entire life trying to be a superstar when you were always meant to be a highly revered elementary school teacher. You might find yourself depressed, anxious and ultimately unhappy. Do what feels natural. Focus on what comes naturally to you—do that—perfect that. Focus on who comes naturally to you—be that persona—perfect that persona. With the right focus, all else will begin to flow naturally.
For more on my own journey back to confidence, self-esteem and self-worth head over to Geiko Skin ♥