Life courses through my veins like gas
through fuel lines, and like the engine that drinks the 10% ethanol blend—
my body burns the life
from within Me
and I, too, am exhausted.
If someone had said to me 5 years ago, I’d be calling Greater Baltimore home. . . honestly now that I typed that— I have no clue what I would have said. I am pretty sure I would have dismissed the idea all together. Yet, that unfinished statement speaks for my life to date. I never in my wildest dreams would have pictured myself the woman I am today. 5 years ago, my world looked different. I was in a limbo’esque place in my life, neither hot nor cold: not knowing what to believe in, who to trust, or even who I was as being, let alone what I was capable of manifesting. Looking back with maturer, wiser eyes, and now from a elevated vantage point, I can now see how the intricate pieces of my disheveled life have begun to connect.
Question it all! and leave nothing for belief . . .
September 14th, 2011 is Frank and I’s going-steady anniversary: the paradigm shift of my young adult life . . . my great awakening I suppose one would call it. This was around the same time my yearlong exploration of self, my mind and my desires came to plateau of some sort, and all of my unanswered questions started getting some answers. Incomprehensible at that time, but I had been and was still creating a very peculiar world for myself. See, at the innocent age of three I was programmed to ask question after question . . . at least that’s what my parents assumed. So, it didn’t come as a complete surprise when, at the age of twenty-two, I began questioning my life, my purpose, and most crucial—the religion I inherited from my parents and grandparents. I started questioning the “the government”, my freedoms, my history books, my education, the media . . . humanity as a unit.
More Than Influence
Well many people presumptuously accredited my shift in thinking to my relationship with Frank. When we first started dating Frank considered himself to be Agnostic. At that time, He rejected all organized religions. However, Frank was knowledgeable of all the prominent melanated leaders and revolutionaries, a diligent student and observer of politics, and a master of the street-code. I, on the other hand, had been Christian since birth. I was a student of human nature, a student of love. I studied the writers, poets and scientists of history. I was a master of country-living. Yet, unbeknownst to those around us, we found a common ground in art and communication. Thus, the stars began to align. We learned we shared the same disdain for the world-as-is. We both had space in our hearts for the relief from religious oppression, an end to corporate corruption and mass media manipulation, the annihilation of hunger and homelessness. And most importantly, we shared a desire for love, life and enlightenment.
Three years later I got a stamp of confirmation for my spiritual changes, professional goals and my life’s calling. All the time I’d spent finding myself in college, provided me with a plethora of self-reflections—which got me through the most emotional and mentally challenging year of my life. Now whenever I’m unsure of myself, my purpose, my goals and abilities I think back to the days I questioned everything, and I remember I always received my answers. Somehow when I needed guidance, it always came. When I was searching in the dark yelling, “WHERE’S THE LIGHT SWITCH?!”, I always managed to stumble upon an exit door. I overstand now, that every solution, answer, and/or goal required to get to where I want to be is readily accessible to me. Passion, Ambition and Effort . . . that is all it takes.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you.” — Matthew 7:7
“. . . My wildest dream” from The Ineludible Purging of Seaera Marie
© 2016 E. English Publishing Group
I really have few words for the last four days. They have been filled with agony, embarrassment, frustration, and I must admit some hopelessness—all of which eventually brought me from the couch to my knees, and finally to my feet.
He’s waited on me hand and foot what more could I ask of Him?
but that look. The look in His eyes
when he sees me cringe.
I’m strong. I fear no pain, but I believe He hates me
in agony, and this has been nothing less.
I’ve lost all control
Not two minutes before hitting the add new post button, I made a impromptu decision. Last night a conversation Frank I had, about how thin I tend to stretch myself, entreated me to think about dropping some of the personal projects I’m managing. Well, I initially was taken back by the conversation. I had a full fledged vision in my had for the two blogs I manage and my third undertaking. I heard Frank’s concerns, suggestions and even his reasoning. I WASN’T HAVING ANY OF IT! I was adamant I could manage all 3 along with the other sites and publishings I maintain or contribute too. My list of pros were synonymous with the reasons why the three sites all couldn’t exist as one entity. Frank’s reasoning, and marketing perspective: combine them, free your time. My primary rebuttal. . . Hunny there are two many voices in my head for one site . . .too many personalities, too many directions . . .#Cons. Call me schizo, but it’s the truth.
April 5, 2019
April 3, 2019
Current Moon Phase
Distance: 60 earth radii
Ecliptic latitude: 3 degrees
Ecliptic longitude: 258 degrees
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